Delhi belly: Civic sense? Yes, I did study civics in school

E-T-T-I...
No it's E-T-I....
OK, E-T-I-Q-E...
No, you moron.
Q is nearly always followed by U.
OK, E-T-I-Q-U-E-T-E. Right?
Are you from Delhi?
Yes, how did you guess.
'Coz you don't know how to spell etiquette.

Civic sense, etiquette, ethics... words like these do not exist in an average Delhiite's dictionary. Sure, we live in the capital of one of the fastest growing economies in the world. But that doesn't stop us from spitting anywhere, treating walls like urinals, driving like a nutcase, gypping people... the list is endless.

Take the Metro, for instance. Cool contraption. Ferries around 5.25 lakh people every day. Is air-conditioned. Runs till late in the night. Ensures you reach your destination in the stipulated time, no matter what. Day after day. But look how the crowd behaves at some of the important stations. Some morons -- both inside and outside -- try to force open the door even before the train comes to a complete halt. Nobody gives a damn about people who try to get out. They cover the entire exit and rush in, taking along those who are trying to get out. So, was Mr Sreedharan wrong when he said Delhi doesn't deserve the Metro?

The situation is no different on the road. Everybody wants to go first. No matter what. And, God forbid, if the traffic flow in their lane stalls for a while and the other one is moving at a snail's pace, wham! They'll get into the other lane, cutting the guy who was supposed to move because his lane is moving. The Smart Ass has got an accelerator and a brake, you see. He needs to cut other people because his car can start and stop.

I never realised we are such morons till a met a group of tourists from Malta in Nepal some years back. They had just reached Kathmandu after being taken for a ride in Delhi. Realising I was a journalist from the city they had just been gypped in, they started complaining. As a journo, I should do something abou the cheats that hang around the airport, they said. True, I replied, we should do something. But I told them that Delhi has a mix of really nice people and just a handful of fraudsters. We got talking about the Indian society then. I told them that nearly all of the municipal workers in Delhi do not qork. And some people like throwing their garbage from their balconies, I told them. You really hate your people, that is DEFINITELY not true, I was told. No, serious, I said. The garbage collector dumps the waste collected from our housing society in a plot bang adjacent to ours, I told them. NO WAY, the guy from Malta said. That CANNOT be true. He just didn't believe me. How could ANYONE dump garbage outside their housing complex. Such things were unheard of anywhere else in the word, he said.

I returned from Nepal the next day thinking about what the Guy From Malta had said. Had I exaggerated a bit? Had I let my country down in front of foreigners? Was I guilty as sin? Just then, I had to go to the airport washroom. And all my doubts just drifted away. Never ever did I find the stink in the loo so refreshing. I had been vindicated. We truly are a bunch of dirty people.